Little Something

Have you ever had that experience, when you hang out with some friends, and you laugh really hard, you think you guys have had a great time, but when you get home, being at that empty room, somehow, you cannot control yourself but start crying? Why's that?

The other day, I posted something, my complaints about how crazy the graduate school life was and how stressful I was, and I did not want to do anything but stayed alone. My mom messaged me the next day and said, "if you feel alone just by yourself?"

To be honest, it hit me at first. But I replied, "oh, I'm okay mom. I'd actually like to do that. And hang out with friends during break sometimes."

"But, sometimes, it would feel lonely, I guess." My mom wrote to me.

"Everyone would feel so," I said and then changed the topic.

It has been three months since I moved to Minnesota. Living at an apartment just on my own is a great thing since you don't need to worry about the annoying roommate, and feel bothered by them not doing dishes. You have more free time to be yourself, singing in the shower, turning your speaker really loud and dancing with the rhythm in the living room, half naked. Or sometimes, just reading on the coach, by the window, having some coffee or tea with jazz music playing out. Is that wonderful? 

Well, but it seems that life isn't always what one likes.

I went back to Nebraska for the Thanksgiving break to visit some friends. I was having dinner with a close friend and had that conversation regarding relationship issues. Like what I told my mom how I enjoyed my single life, I just said to him, "it's great to be single at least you don't need to worry about all those things. You won't have those bad feelings when they do something really bothers you." etc., etc.

"But, imagine that, when you leave home in the morning and knock the water bottle over on the table, but you are in a hurry so just left it there. When you get back in the evening, it's still there as what it was when you left. How do you feel? Or, when you catch something when it's falling down to the ground, you really want to show someone what just happened but realize no one there when you turn around. How's that?"

Well, I don't know. OR, maybe I know but just refuse to be honest about it.

My mom used to say "get yourself a boyfriend," or "go out to meet more people, to know someone" when I was not sure what I wanted to do for a living, and it overwhelmed me a lot sometimes. But after I spent more time on studying and had those achievements, and decided to go with counseling, she stopped saying that.

After then, I'm pretty satisfied my life, although it still sucks, sometimes. How could I complain that? THAT IS LIFE. And, seems that it has to put something on your shoulder when you're living like a happy piggy, to remind you, IT SUCKS.

So, RELATIONSHIP is always something I avoid discussing, I think. I meant when it happens to me. I'm more happy to help my friends with their relationship issues. But once, it becomes my personal issues, it's kind of problematic... I just cannot figure things out anymore, and I would start losing myself at some point.

Unfortunately, it's something comes to me a lot recently. Here comes the self-disclosure.

I had bad experiences with boys, mostly, A boy. And got hurt really bad that took me a couple of years to leave things behind. (Guess many people have had bad experiences, so...). After that, I felt like not knowing how to get along with boys. Never had a boyfriend, never in a relationship. (It would take a lot of time to explain, but) felt inferior because of my appearance, That's why my friends always say, I'm a totally different person after these years being in the U.S.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here...So, going back to the relationship issue. It seems that many people around me are getting someone in their lives. I'm really happy for them, truly, because I want them to be happy. When they share with me how exciting it is with that someone, I cannot stop smiling because I can see the pink bubble surrounding them. It's wonderful. But meanwhile, it makes me think, why can't my life be that simple? Why can't I be like them???
It never is that easy for me when it comes to relationship.

When I talked to my friend about what I've been gone through regarding relationship recently, he teased, saying, other people play games from level 1, but you, start from level 5... How could that be easy?

Well, I don't know. I probably just like challenging myself? or, you could say, I just like pursuing something I could not really get? Seems like that tho.

I'm not a social person but introverted, really passive that most of the time people have come to me first or I don't know how to interact with them. I enjoy doing things on my own, but I also like hanging out with a group of people, not talking too much but just watching them having a good time makes me happy as they do, And I enjoy taking care of people. I need to feel being needed and valued. I like seeing people happy because of something I do for them. So, I'm also a people-person (is that really a term??)

Also, I'm a deadly romantic, typical Cancer. I have tones of ideas about how wonderful my life would be if there's someone can share it with me. Sometimes, I even think, if I were a boy, I could make my girlfriend the happiest person in the world (but unfortunately, I'm not hahaha).

Basically, I get my energy from other people.

So, what has been happening really makes me think and reflect a lot. I think I've been repressed all my feelings for too long because where I come from, people just shy or even feel shame to talk about their affections, their emotions, desires, and feelings. And it's problematic. I cannot even breath sometimes. But, being in the U.S., I think I got used to showing my friends and people in my life how grateful I am to have them and how much I love them. So, I have to be honest here. All I want is someone who'd like to be there with me, giving me a hug and tell me everything will be fine when I feel down, cheering with me when I achieve something, traveling around to experience the wonderfulness the world provides us. Or, simply sitting on the coach in the afternoon, doing our own stuff and chatting a bit. How hard it would be??? Well...

When those thoughts and feelings happen to me, I just keep telling myself, like all those articles telling what you should do, that "girl, you are a strong woman, a Wonder Woman. You can do many things. Keep learning and growing, being stronger." Or something like that. But, sometimes, I would be wondering, why?

Just doing whatever you feel like doing as long as you won't regret. It's okay being selfish sometimes. You deserve all those things that you want, that you need.

But, it's always easy to say than do it.       

Oh, life. Oh, human. Why we have to have all those emotions and feelings. I probably going to be a dog in my next life because dogs seem to live much happier than human beings.

Well, I lost my mind here. Don't really know what I am talking anymore. But it feels really good to write about things. That's why I love doing it.

Enough complaints today. Have to go back to reality. Final is coming, how exciting. YAY....

LIFE SUCKS, but I still LOVE it and being Positive about it  ;)