Some Thoughts

It might because of studying so stressful recently... and also some other reasons, laying on my bed, I’ve never had such strong feelings and emotions..

It is heavy, overwhelming, but I’m so calm. Tears dropping slowly on my face. Silence surrounds.

People tend to get emotional at night. 

Looking around at the empty, chilling room, my mind wanders. I realized, how much I missed my friends and the feeling of having all the people I care around. 

Since when, I cannot tell. I learned keeping all the thoughts and feelings to myself. I used to love talking to my friends because they care about me, and it’s nice to talk to someone when you don’t feel good. But, I don’t feel that anymore even though I want to be heard so bad. 

I think I’m isolating myself. 

I feel hurt so bad. 

Being away from home, from all my friends is hard. I've been trying to be an independent person, and I am one, for sure. But, it doesn’t mean being alone is not hard. 

I still remember the day I gave my senior reflection speech, how strong I felt of being loved, being belong to somewhere, a foreign land, as it like a second home. 

It took more than 4 years. 

Now, everything feels like falling back to where it began. 

I’m trying to hard to pretend, and tell myself, deceive myself, that I'm happy, I’m careless, I’m okay. While I’m actually not. 

Do I really belong here? Do people really care? (Well, I think they do care..) I’m trying to be genuine, I’m trying to fit in, but I realized it’s never home. 

And the harder I try, the more disappointing it is. It just keeps reminding me how different I am. 

I miss all the laughs, all the happy, silly, sweet faces. I miss the time when my friends joke about me and knowing I would not get angry. I miss all the conversations and little secrets. 

But here I am. 

What I’ve learned all these years, is accepting things as they are. When they couldn’t destroy you, they raising you up. 

Peace.

Love.

Self-care. 

Yes, all of us need some self-care 

... 

It’s late, nighty night 

Tomorrow would be wonderful again.