Between Words and Between Worlds (Part II)

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“For a little girl who wrote in English the first time, it was a great piece. And I agree with your professor, it’s lovely.” Kathy smiled at Dian after listening to Steve’s presentation of her paper.

“Well, literally speaking, it was not my first time write in English. But, thank you. You know, my first year was like a nightmare. For most of the international students like me, language is the biggest problem we have to face, even if someone’s English really good. Learning a language and using a language are different cases. I think I’ve told you guys that when I was in China, English is just a school subject that we have to take. Most of the time, for passing the exam. We hardly use it in our daily life.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned that. And you said the English you learn in China is different from the English we use here.”

 “Indeed. After I had come to here, starting USING English for the first time, I wasn’t able to recognize the English I was expecting. I felt like all I achieved when I was in China meant NOTHING here. And it was not spoken but broken. So, every day I felt like walking in a foggy forest. The language blocked my spoken ability, just like the fog blocked my sight.”

“It’s hard to imagine what it would be like if we studied in another country. But I think your writing should be among the top, not considering the syntax or grammar, but the creativity and the way you write. You got talent to tell stories.”

“Thank you, Kathy. Compared speaking, I do feel more confident when I write. But also, because it was the first time I really used English, things I worried the most when I wrote were the syntax and grammar, or the word choice.”

“I think you still do.” Steve interrupted her, which made him get an unfriendly look from Dian. “Yes, thank you for reminding me that.” She said.

 “Although my professors always told me what they concerned most was my thoughts, I knew that if I couldn’t use the right grammars, words, or the correct expression, how would they know what I thought exactly? What if they misunderstand? Language is the medium for the expression of ideas. But that medium was so hard and complex for me to control. I don’t have the cornerstone, how I should build the house firmly? I tried to be native, to be like one of them (the domestic students). But, the language is still the biggest hurdle, when I tried really hard to become a part of the country. I am still a foreigner, all the time. It is a fact, an indisputable fact.” 

 “I understand. It is a common problem that most of the people would encounter when they write in another language. I had some international students in my class before, a couple of them were Chinese. They may have linguistic issues, but I could tell that most of them are good writers. They got ideas. And, I really enjoyed reading their works actually. So, most of the time I would try to ignore their grammatical mistakes if it wouldn’t affect the readability.” Robert said when he saw Dian paused. And Kathy sitting next to him, nodded her head saying that “me too.”

“My professors said the same thing before. Well, anyway, when I felt lost in the foggy forest, it was writing that brought me a beam of sunshine. I might not speak English fluently, and express myself clearly, but, those thoughts in my mind became alive through the words I wrote. And the feedbacks I got, made me realize that it is something I’m really good at. I found my way to introduce myself to others, or to the world.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that.” Kathy looked at Dian with the infinite tenderness of a mother.

Dian smiled at her gently and continued saying, “writing in English gets me where I want to go. But, here’s a BUT. At the same time, it prevents me from getting there.” After hearing what she said, Robert, Kathy, and Steve looked confused. So, Dian explained, “when I write in Chinese, I can feel a connection with the words. Although I still struggle with the organizations, the word choosing, or thing like that, I could feel it. It’s something I familiar with, for my whole life. But English, as my second language, in fact, I didn’t have to connect with it until I came here. The lack of connection prevented me from mastering it. Because of the language barrier, I could not satisfy my writing. I know something is missing, always. It’s a gap between what I WANT to express in my writing and what I actually write. Does it make sense?”

Steve, Robert, and Kathy staring at Dian and seemed really focus. All of them just nodded their heads and looked at her to show their understanding. After a short pause, Robert asked, “so, what exactly the gap is, you think?”

“Hmm, back to my first year. When I came here, starting USING English, the first time in my life, I couldn’t transform my mind. Well, let’s say…when I listen to others speaking English or when I read English, I would translate them into Chinese and respond in Chinese in my mind first. And then translate, output it into English. The same when I write. I would compose my ideas in Chinese, habitually. And translating them into English later.”

“I think what you said is common among people who just start learning another language. Just like I learn Chinses.” Steve said. “Because of your primary discourse, your culture maybe, influences you too much, it’s hard to switch your thoughts to a new discourse, and get used to it.”

  “Exactly! But you always judge me because of it!” Dian rolled her eyes, “I spent my first twenty years in my country, and fell in love with writing since middle school. So my culture has a profound effect on me. It’s a life-long effect. Wherever I am, whatever I do, you can see my culture through me. For example, I like using metaphors in my writing. And usually, the metaphor is related to the culture. Considering the cultural differences, it’s hard to express my CHINESE MIND in English to some degrees. For example, man-tian de fan-xing hui yinqi renmen wu-bian-wu-ji de xia-xiang. Literally, it says that whole-sky [MOD] manifold-stars will cause people no-bound-no-edge [MOD] far-thinking. which means a star-studded sky induces fantastic or boundless and edgeless reveries. You see the differences?” * 

“Yes. I think I now know why you’re always upset when you write. You know, mom? Last time when I woke up around 3 am, I saw Dian holding a dictionary and with a couple of books on the table.”

Kathy looked at her. Sympathy showed on her face. Dian sheepishly smiled to her. “Yes, the struggle is true. Especially when I started writing as a beginner. Because of the lack of knowledge of English, it was more obvious. It is the gap I mentioned earlier. You could see, there’s always something missing.”

“I hear you.” Robert nodded in approval. “It reminded me an article by a Chinese scholar, Daozhen. He compared the definiteness difference between Chinese and English system. As I’ve learned from it, Chinese is a topic-prominent language. In other words, the topic is usually put at the beginning of the sentence. Whereas our language, English, is subject-prominent. So, the subject takes up the position at the beginning of a clause, an unmarked position. I think that’s why you would feel difficult when you translate Chinese into English. You have to restructure the information structure and textual organization.” *

“I see. It might also be the reason why my English is sometimes broken.”

“Uh huh. If a topic in Chinese sentence is translated into the subject in English, equivalence will be resulted from the translation, because the subject, or the theme, can be definite or indefinite. In contrast, the topic in Chinese sentences is definite. You should feel it since you write in both languages. There is a difference of meaning and function between the topic and the subject. If you could not translate it properly, problems would be caused.” *

“You see? I’ve told you, you should change your CHINESE MIND, or it will always be torture.” Steve would never forget to tease her, anytime he got a chance.

Dian just gave him a look and ignored him, and continued saying to Robert, “I guess I still have the same issue now, but much better than before. And I think my writing style might make it more difficult. Because I really like writing narratives, using various metaphors. And the narratives writing need me to organize it very well.”

“I agree. Maybe you would feel less struggle if you switch to other genres.” Robert laughed.

“Hahaha, probably. But I enjoy writing stories because I think trough narratives, I can build a picture, an image allowing me to show the events vividly, and then make my readers feel like they are in there as well. It might be also what I brought from China. Along with what you said, Robert. I think the topic in Chinese sentences is dependent highly on the context and represent the old information in a communicative event. It’s a comprehensiveness we concern. When I write, I usually relate the ending back to the beginning. Sometimes I would write the same scene but put different moods. My professors used to compliment me on that. I think it helped me a lot when I write in English, although things would sometimes be missing. But, it’s my symbol in writing, I guess.”

 “I think you got something really useful from you mother culture.”

“I have some other old papers in the basement. If you think it would help with your research, I could show you later.”   

“What? You kept them in the basement? How could I not know?”

Dian shrugged her shoulders, said, “You never asked.”

“Okay, okay, guys. End your conversation! It’s lunch time!” Kathy wore the apron, walking out from the kitchen.

“Well, time flies. Could we continue it later?”

 “Of course, I’d love to talk more. But you know, I feel like that I am still in my infancy. I’ve learned a lot these years, and becoming better and better, for sure, but there still are numerous things I need to learn to write in English better, to be a good bilingual writer.”   

“Kid, you are a fast learner. You can do it. We know it.” Robert patted Dian’s shoulder and walked to the dining table.

“Thank you.” Dian smiled and said nothing more. She knew that writing in English would be a life-long struggle. Like the old Chinese idiom says, xue wu zhi jing (learning is endless). Although she is not sure what she would achieve in the future, she is sure that she would find all the answers through writing. Writing in a language, which sometimes fails her, might make her lose a lot, but it also allows her to explore a broader world. In that world, there will be a space, just for her.